Mostly Appropriate Advice For Surviving Self-Isolation

Now, no one likes to work. But also, no one is used to spending 24-hour days cooped up with their partner. You usually have the solace of work to have a little bit of a break away from the person you live with, reducing the urge to either lock them in the bathroom, lock yourself in the bedroom or simply, throw them out of the window. The coronavirus has (unfortunately) got to the stage now where people are being made to work from home, self-isolate if feeling a little bit rough, and ultimately, spend quality time with significant others. Charming.

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If this isn’t your cup of tea, or you just want a quick five minutes to yourself when your partner is beginning to drive you up the wall with their annoying habits, we’ve created a few tricks and tips to deal with their clicking, farting, yammering, picking or whatever it is that your beloved does that drives you barmy.

Make sure the fridge is fully stocked

With beer, obviously. Tetley’s, Boddington’s, John Smith and a good old can of Stella are essential to deal with any self-isolation with the family. Think the Christmas fridge, but times it by ten. It’s for the good of the community. Trust us. What we do advise against, however, is stockpiling. Don’t do that kids, that’s not cool.

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Charge her up!

Keep the Mrs occupied and make sure she has a fully battery on ALL electronic devices. We’re talking iPads, her phone, laptop, dildo, ANYTHING you can think of. You may find that if she can’t contact anyone else, she might try talking to you.

Keep the bathroom reading material stocked

You’re probably gonna be spending a lot more time on your loo during this isolation period, because what else are you gonna do but eat, drink and shit? Make sure you have plenty of newspapers, magazine, leaflets, shower gel labels, what ever it takes. It may be the only sanctuary you have. Depending on the loo roll situation too (which is pretty dire at the moment), it might come in handy for other means.

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Utilise footie re-runs

Safe in the knowledge your Mrs will be absolutely oblivious to the fact that footy’s been called off, you can guarantee she’ll want to sit in another room while the match it on. Grab a beer, put your feet up and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

Crack on Mrs Brown’s Boys

This one goes without saying, because no one will want to be in any room when that crap is playing.

If all else fails, maybe try getting to know your other half a little bit. You might find you have something in common!